Clean Jokes To Go

Clean Jokes To Go2013-06-26T17:28:17+00:00

A few quickies

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they’re cramming for their final exam.

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What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

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There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)

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At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ….. ‘THEIRS’?

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If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

God is Missing

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!”

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first.

The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?” The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

The Two Hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

Gifts For Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks.” Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

Jeff Justice’s Comedy Workshop Joke Book

This 75 page book is jam-packed with some of the funniest jokes from Jeff’s past students on topics such as Dating, Growing up, Dieting, Marriage and Life. The most laughs you’ll ever get for five bucks! Read More

Golf With Stevie and Tiger

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: “How is the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies: “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”

Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie Wonder says: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: “You play golf?”

Stevie Wonder says: “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says: “But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”

Wonder replies: “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Woods asks: “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night.”

Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and
you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

How Bad Is Your Job?

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract
Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?

It means that five people have jobs worse than yours! Now stop complaining and get back to work.

Being Noisy In Church

My wife was reprimanding our three-year old for being noisy in church. She said, “Jianna, why should you be quiet in church?”

Jianna said, “Because daddy’s sleeping.”

Out For A Drive

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car–both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light”.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through, and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed
us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

Southern Survival Guide

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural.”All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

7. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Thee Bride In White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

A Lady and God

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

She saw God and asked, “Is this it?”

God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40
years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years!”

God replied, “Shirley? I didn’t recognize you!”

Boy and the Bible

A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “It’s Adam’s suit!”

The Golfer and the funeral

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten-foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

I can’t believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.”

“Well,” said the golfer, “we were married for 25 years.”

14 Ways To Know If You’ve Been in Corporate America Too Long

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.

2. You decide to re-org your family into a “team-based organization.”

3. You refer to dating as test marketing.

4. You can spell “paradigm.”

5. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You understand your airline’s fare structure.

7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

8. Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.

9. You think that it’s actually efficient to write a ten-page presentation with six other people you don’t know.

10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”

12. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”

13. You end every argument by saying “let’s talk about this off-line.”

14. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping at your desk

1. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

2. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

4. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

5. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

6. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

7. Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

9. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

10. “The coffee machine is broken….”

11. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

12. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

13. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

14. “Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

The Big Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

The Three Buddies

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say……LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!”

Being Tactful

The author John Steinbeck best described tactfulness in a story about two men discussing the town of Green Bay, Wisconsin. The first man said, “Its a real nice place.” The other man said, “What’s nice about it? The only things ever to come out of Green Bay are football players and ugly girls.”

The first man got angry. He said, “Wait a minute – my wife is from Green Bay!”

The other man said, “Oh? What position does she play?”

Don’t Overlook The Obvious

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

This went on every day for the nest month. Each time he’d stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he’d find only sand.

Much later, he ran into the biker in a bar in Tijuana. After some small talk he said, “Come on. I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won’t tell. I’m just curious. What was it?”

The other man said, “Bicycles.”

You Get What You Pay For

A lady wanted to board her horse. The first farmer she asked said he would keep it at $25 a day, plus he would keep the manure.

She thought that was too high and went to another farmer. His price was $20 per day plus the manure.

Then she went to a third farmer who asked just $5 a day.

The lady said, “Why didn’t you ask for the manure, too?”

The farmer said, “At $5 a day, there won’t be any!”

For those of us that ever felt dumb when it comes to computers

Actual tech support questions:

The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

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Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”

Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

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Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”

Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”

Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”

Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

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Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: “I’d like a mouse pad, please.”

Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”

Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”

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Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”

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Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”

Tech Support: “Yeah.”

Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?

Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

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Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager Icon.”

Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows-because of the icons- I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”

Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”

Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”

Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ ok?”

Customer: [click]

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Customer: “My computer crashed!”

Tech Support: “It crashed?”

Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”

Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”

Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”

Tech Support: “Huh?”

Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”

(Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.)

Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”

Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

The Old Man

One day an old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked the old man why he was crying.

“Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married recently to a twenty-five year old woman. Each morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. At noon time she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At
dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love.”

The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!”

So the old man says, “I know! I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”

Dogs

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
— Rita Rudner

“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.”
— Joe Weinstein

“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
— Unknown

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
— Ann Landers

“Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
— Robert A. Heinlein

“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.”
— Dereke Bruce

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
— Ben Williams

“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
— Edward Abbey

“Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.”
— Unknown

“You can’t always tell what a dog’s thinking by the look on its face.”
— Michael Harrington

The Lawyer and the Car Wreck

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage
to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!” he shrieked.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

“Oh no….” replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

“Where’s my Rolex???”